传说每逢期中期末，美帝大学生的奶奶们会集中去世

在美国的大学校园，每到期中考试或是论文提交的截止日期之前，都会出现一类神秘的现象：许多学生的祖母会在这时批量去世，甚至有些学生的祖母会反复去世。对于教龄比较高的教授来说，这种现象已经见怪不怪了，人们给这类现象起了个名字叫做“祖母死亡问题”（Dead Grandmother Problem）。

许多年前，东肯塔基州立大学的植物学家Mike Adams研究了这一现象并证实了：考试和祖父母的死亡存在着一定关联。持续收集数据20多年后，Adams得出结论：学生的祖母在期中考试之前死亡的可能性远远超过平时。具体来说，期中考试之前死亡的可能性是平时的10倍，期末考试前死亡的可能性是平时的19倍！在课堂上表现不好的学生的祖母则更危险了，不上课的学生的祖母死亡的可能性是其他学生祖母的50倍！

教授遇到这类情况时，要得体地回应并不是一件容易的事。通常教授都倾向于认为这是一个为了逃避作业/考试并博取同情而编造的故事，因为确实有教授遇到过学生提交上来的讣告是用自己的电脑“精心制造”的。但也没有老师愿意冒犯处于悲痛中的学生，万一人家的祖母是真的去世了呢？要求别人提供死亡证明未免也太冷酷无情了。

有些教授会坚定地站在学生这一边，比如华盛顿州立大学的副教授Lisa Guerrero。虽然她遇到过一些可疑的学生，但她也见过许多真实的意外发生。“死亡带来创伤，没有人能够完全从容地应对（家人的）死亡，所以有些学生的借口听起来有些可疑，可能只是因为他们不知道该怎么应对这种精神创伤”， Lisa说道。

也有些教授和学生助教表现得不那么儒雅随和，对他们来说要得体地回复就比较难了。现在假设作为教授的你收到了学生写的便条，称自己的奶奶去世了，而你十分确定这事是假的，你会如何回复？我们收集了一些教授的答案，有些教授提供了他们过去发给学生的邮件，还有些教授把他们长久以来堆积在心里的咆哮借此机会发泄了出来。来看看这些不同风格的教授是如何回应的吧！

铁面无私型

Takiyah Nur Amin

舞蹈系副教授

北卡罗来纳大学夏洛特分校

亲爱的同学，

    希望你一切都好。请注意，我在我那精心编写的彩色课程大纲里面声明了，我不接受任何形式的补交、迟交或者额外加分作业。

    这不是针对你一个人的。我在每学期要教三门难度不同的课程，带将近200个学生的情况下，很难为这些事情给予宽限。我知道你在想什么，你会觉得我让你的人生更艰难了。但说实话，课程的要求在开学第一天就已经说得很清楚了，如果你在加退选期（drop/add period）过后还在我的课上，那么这份课纲就是你我之间的契约：它勾勒出了你对我的期望，当然也有我对你的期望。

    只有一种情况我会考虑接受补交作业，就是学生办公室的院长给我发送正式的书面文件告知你的疾病或家庭危机。请不要只给我看讣告、有关葬礼的文件，或让你的妈妈打电话/留言给我，请我照顾一下你因为你奶奶刚刚去世。在收到我要求的正式文件之后，我会另外为你安排时间补考。最后，对你失去你的家人表示遗憾，这真的很糟糕。

原文

Dear Student,

I hope all is well with you. Please note that, as articulated in my well-developed, color-coded syllabus, I am not here for make-up assignments, late work, or extra credit.

It's not personal. But when I am teaching almost 200 students a semester across three different kinds of courses at three different levels, I can't make allowances for those kinds of things. I know what you are thinking—I am trying to make your life difficult. But honestly, the course policies have been clear since Day One, and if you are still in my class after the drop/add period, that syllabus is our contract: It delineates what you can expect of me and certainly what I expect of you.

I only consider make-up work when illness or family crisis is documented via official letter from the Dean of Students office. Please do not show up with an obituary or a copy of the funeral program or have your mama call me and leave nasty voicemails about how I had better accommodate you because your granny has just died. Upon receipt of the required documentation, I will make an appropriate arrangement concerning the midterm for you. And I am sorry you had a death in the family. That truly sucks.

妥帖周到型

Kevin Heffernan

电影和媒体艺术系副教授

南方卫理公会大学

亲爱的学生，

    谢谢你的字条。

    真的很抱歉听到你家里人去世的消息。在这个艰难的时刻，请记得我惦念着你。我明白在悲伤的时候，家庭的支持和陪伴有多重要，希望你能成为父母和家人的支柱。这也是随着年龄的增长，我们必须要面对的最困难的转变之一。

    我很想给你的爸爸或妈妈写一张卡片，让他们知道我惦记着他们，并向他们称赞你能将此事积极主动且坦率地告诉我。你可以把他们的邮寄地址给我吗？这样我大约在明天就能把卡片寄出了。

    非常感谢你，还有，等你回城后记得联系我，我们讨论一下如何补上之前没交的功课。

原文

Dear Student,

Thank you very much for the note.

I’m very sorry to hear of the loss in your family. Please know you are all in my thoughts in this difficult time. I understand the importance of family in times of grief, and I hope you can be a source of support for your parents in what is one of the most difficult life transitions we all must face as we get older. My professors in both college and grad school were very understanding of some of my setbacks in similar family circumstances.

I would very much like to send your [Mom or Dad] a card and a short note to let them know they are in my thoughts and to single you out for praise in being so proactive and forthright in speaking to me. Would you be kind enough to send along [his or her] snail mail address so I can get this in the mail in the next day or so?

Thank you so much, and please contact me when you get back into town so we can talk about a timetable for making up the work you missed.

无情揭穿型

Tracy M. Lewis-Giggetts

英语和写作系副教授

罗斯蒙特学院，费城大学，费城社区大学

亲爱的学生，

    所以说事情是这样：你的奶奶快死了。她很可能会在睡梦中悄悄地走入漆黑的夜。然而，她可能被多年来所患的高血压缠身，或者更糟糕，她会心脏病发作或中风。然后是她去年做的烦人的髋关节手术，以及一直潜伏在她体内未被发现的已经化脓腐烂的感染，随着血液流动，逐渐使器官功能一一衰竭。当然，她也可能走在街上，想着自己的心事，突然不知道哪里来一辆观光旅游车冲上人行道将她和她的狗Laura撞飞，卒。

    吓人吗？震惊吗？最好是。

    我衷心希望你感到惊骇并且百口莫辩，就像我发现你为了逃避功课而伪造了她的死时一样。我也希望你知道，能毫无感情和同情心地说出此事的人，有多么不正直和不诚实。

    然后我希望你能做出另一种选择，在错误还可以挽回之前按时交作业，可以避免迟交（Late）和挂科（Fail）的一种选择。与此同时，让你的奶奶择日再死吧。

P.S. 你19岁，你奶奶57岁。你可拉倒吧。

原文

Dear Student:

So here’s the thing: Your granny is going to die. She’s most likely going to go quietly into the dark night, in her sleep, of old age. However, there is the slight chance that the high blood pressure she’s had for years might catch up with her or, worse, she might have a heart attack or stroke. Then there’s that pesky hip surgery she had last year and the insidious, undiscovered infection that has been festering in her body, coursing through her blood stream, slowly shutting down the functioning of her organs one by one. Of course, she could also just be walking along a street, minding her own business, and out of nowhere a city bus jumps a curb and runs her and her dog, Laura, over.

Appalled yet? Devastated? I hope so.

I sincerely hope you find my entirely-too-vivid description of all the ways your precious grandmother can and might die just as appalling and inexcusable as I find your faking her death in order to escape being accountable for the work you chose not to do. I hope you see how it would take a soulless, life-suck of a person who lacked both character and integrity to say such horrifying things without an ounce of compassion or—wait for it—truth.

Then I hope you make another choice. One that includes taking the “L” (and my “F”) and owning this tragic, yet totally predictable, mistake. In the meantime, let Granny live to die another day.

Sincerely,

Come again.

P.S. You’re 19. Your granny is 57. Stop it.

口是心非型

Doria Johnson

历史系Ph.D.候选人、客座教授

威斯康辛大学麦迪逊分校

亲爱的学生，

    谢谢你的重视。再次强调下，关于你问到的，为了“见祖母”而连续缺课会不会导致你错过重要的内容。我告诉你，绝对不会，你没有错过任何重要的东西。放轻松吧，朋友。

    我之前准备的那些课大部分都不重要，而你缺课的那几天正好和这些（不重要的课）的日子重合。我花了几十个小时来编写和研究这些再寻常不过的东西。然后，我把这些东西带进课堂，也就是你和其他几百个学生支付了高昂学费的地方。哇，真是令人胆战心惊。

    坏消息是，等到你的祖母在期中考试去世后，我会转而开始讲很重要的内容，你最好不要错过哦。预料到你的祖母去世后急需操办的事情以及你对家庭应尽的义务，我将这封邮件抄送给了你的指导老师（advisor），请他帮你退了这门课。

    顺便说一声，你不应该在脸书上加我好友的。你的profile都是公开的，我看到了你在“照顾奶奶”时参加趴体的照片，这已经表明了你对于这门课的不重视。

原文

Thanks for the heads up, again, and for asking if your continued absences to “see about Grandma” caused you to miss anything 'important'. Well, I am here to tell you a big, fat "hell no, you did not miss anything important." Rest easy, my friend.

The lectures I prepared earlier were mostly unimportant, and your absences have coincided with those class dates. I spent dozens of hours writing and researching the most mundane information. Then, I bring that information into the room where you, and hundreds of others, pay exorbitant fees and tuition. Wow, how do I stay employed?

The bad news is by the time Grandma dies at midterm I will shift towards giving mostly important lectures, and those you should not miss. In anticipation of your impending familial obligations to the rituals surrounding death, I am carbon-copying your adviser on this email and requesting that they help you drop this course.

By the way, you should not have tried to friend me on Facebook because your profile is public and pictures of you partying while attending to your sick grandma have framed your commitment to our unimportant course!

语重心长型

Lisa Guerrero

批判文化、性别和种族研究副教授

华盛顿州立大学

亲爱的同学，

    听说你的祖母意外身故，很遗憾。我知道这段时期对你来说很艰难。你们两个的关系肯定很亲。她可能是那种愿意为了孩子们做任何事的祖母…包括刚好选在期中考试当天去世。她肯定感觉到了你是我最好问的学生之一，经常会在课堂上问“这会出现在考试里吗？”“期中考试之前我们应该读到哪里？”“期中考试真的是下周吗？”以及“如果考试没通过我们可以drop最低的分数吗？”诸如此类的问题。我只希望她没有白白去世，并且你确实把时间花在了赶进度上，这样你才能参加下周的期中考试。

    我相信因果报应，不止我的，还有你的。如果你只是因为不能规划好你的学习生活而一时兴起“杀死”你的祖母挥霍业力的话，那么你会出比成绩更严重的大问题。

原文

Dear Student,

I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother’s unexpected passing. I’m sure it is a difficult time. I am sure you two were close. She was probably the type of grandmother who would do anything for her children and grandchildren … including conveniently meeting her maker on the same day that the class midterm was scheduled. She must have sensed that you were one of my more inquisitive students, who was constantly asking questions in class like: “Will this be on the test?” “How far should we have read before the midterm?” “Is the midterm really next week?” and “Will we be able to drop our lowest grade if we fail the midterm?” I only hope she did not die in vain, and that you actually spend your time at her “wake” catching up on the reading so that you can take the midterm next week.

I believe in karma … both mine and yours. And if you are fine with tempting karma by virtually knocking off family members on a whim simply because you can’t get your act together, then you have bigger problems than the grade you’re going to get in my class.

言简意赅型

Mark Naison

非裔美国人研究与历史系教授

福德汉姆大学

亲爱的学生，

    我能接受的唯一一种免做作业的死亡是你自己的死，并且我希望你的遗嘱执行人能在你去世六个月之内把你的作业交上来。

原文

Dear Student,

The only death I will accept as an excuse for a late paper is your own. And in the event of your demise, I expect your executors to turn in the paper within six months of your passing.

看完教授们的回复，我敢肯定，你保证不会用“我奶奶去世了”这种烂大街的理由和老师请假了，毕竟老师都不是傻子，你平时的出勤、课堂表现和作业都被老师记在了小本本上，想蒙混过关可没这么容易。C君前几年就听说过一个哈佛学生在申请文书中写到自己奶奶去世的事，想必写得十分动情，打动了招生官，结果打电话通知其录取结果的时候发现是奶奶接的电话，简直是大型翻船现场啊。C君在此还是建议大家勤恳踏实地学习，遇到困难切勿逃避，与其在档案里留下不光彩的记录，及时向他人求助并努力做到最好才是聪明的做法。要知道，在美国，“不诚实”的后果可是要比“成绩不好”严重得多！

Reference：

https://chroniclevitae.com/news/886-dear-student-should-your-granny-die-before-the-midterm